


Weighted Diamond

by I_Otaku



Series: M Writes Meowrails [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Equius fixes that., Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Nepeta doesn't understand her emotions, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Self Harm, She takes them out through violence against herself
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-22
Updated: 2016-08-22
Packaged: 2018-08-10 07:48:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7836304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_Otaku/pseuds/I_Otaku
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He was the one that needed to be pacified? Now that was a crock of shit. </p>
<p>Equius was so stuck up, the only threat he was, was to himself. Equius was cool headed, smart and a bit persnickity but reasonable (On good days). No. Your name is Nepeta Leijon and you are the one that needed a moirail. </p>
<p>You do not know how to handle your emotions, and to take out your pent up frustrations in briefs acts of violence. Your moirail doesn't know for the longest time, and when he does, he does some of the palest shit even Karkat could imagine.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Weighted Diamond

You enjoy painting the walls of your cave, and many times have caused yoursef physical injury while doing it. It's not your fault some of your pieces snake up to the ceiling! You've fallen and tripped and slipped and even though you are proud of your catlike qualities, your dexterity when at your hive was never something that you could learn from your lusus. So, when you would tend to feel less than pleasant, and you would collect some old receptacles of bloodpaint, you would begin painting to take your mind off things. Sometimes it wouldn't be too bothersome to fall and land hard on your shoulder, or send a wave of pops through your vertical cerebral column. Sometimes it was nice to lie there, and play possum until Pounce would meander over to lick your head to make sure you were still alive. 

And it was still nice, even when green bruises would bleed into your skin, and you would ocassionally need to just punch a wall hard to let out your emotion in a painful way. It was quick, and easy, and then you could go back to roleplaying with purrezi or blocking Eridan for the fourth time that day. 

You didn't really care for anyone seeing the marks, so some days you would wait for a really long time and then just unleash everything and fling paint receptacles and punch the walls until your own olive splattered, but Pounce always ran over and tugged on your pant leg before you really badly hurt yourself. Your fists had actually been smashed up and reset by now, that you took up wearing gloves, that way the fingers couldn't wobble or slide out of where they're supposed to be. 

You discovered that when Karkat would go ranting to you about your roleplaying and you would be upset and conflicted about having a flushcrush for him when he could be a rude smelly face, you could back away from your husktop and just punch and kick and scream and hit your head against the wall a few times until you calmed down. You also discovered that sometimes Karkat could be smart, but that you already knew. One of his smart moves was when he introduced you to Equius one day saying;

TAKE THIS INSUFFERABLE PRICK OFF MY HANDS, HE'S BEEN PASSED DOWN FROM FEFERI, TO ERIDAN, TO GAMZEE, TO ME AND IF I HEAR HIM TALK ABOUT NEEDING A TOWEL ONE MORE GOGDAMN TIME I'M SNAPPING OFF THE TOP OF MY HUSKTOP AND BLUDGEONING HIM TO DEATH WITH IT, BEFORE TURNING IT ON MYSELF

You responded quickly, an okie dokie and a new little bubble popped up on your husktop monitor. It was blue and the guy was very formal! It was rather nice, even if he didn't participate in your roleplaying, but he turned pretty snooty pretty quick. He asked about your blood color, which you responded to, which made him stop responding. 

How rude!

You pestered him a few more times, until he responded rather bluntly. So you fired right back, snappy and not willing to put up with his bull! You stuck your tongue out at the screen after you sent your final message too. 

He talked about needing a towel for a while, so you waited, and when he came back he was... impressed? You didn't exactly understand but he seemed to be less of a tightass about the hemospectrum from then on. 

You talked to him pretty often, he was fun to rile up, and he always seemed to want your opinion on things. It felt nice, to be wanted like how he wanted you, and you helped him create better things to do than just build brick walls to take down with his fist. 

You had suggested building special robots to fight, and you could tell from his text that a small electric light production device went off in his thinkpan. He thanked you for being such a good friend, and a stupid thing happened to your chest when you called him a good friend of yours too. 

He talked about his feelings and kinks sometimes, and you listened, roleplaying but paying attention and hoping that maybe Equius could figure out the difference between vacilliating and just having fantasies, besides he and Aradia would look weird on the wall in red, pitch was the quadrant circled in your favorite shade of red. All of your friends made it on the wall at some point, how would you be able to keep track of the gossip and ships if you didn't have your wall? The other important ship circled was pale, but it was embarrassing and you covered it up most nights. 

One night it wasn't, you remember getting upset with Pounce. They were keeping you from going hunting in the rain, and you got really upset because that meant Pounce didn't trust you enough when they couldn't smell you. You got really upset, especially because you weren't weak! Pounce needed to learn that you were tough and strong! And you lashed out a bit and ended up punching the wall of your hive harder than you meant to. You clutched your hand, mewing in pain and sinking down for Pounce to scurry over and lick your throbbing fist, curling in your lap as you started to cry. It was really hard to type for a while, you thought maybe something in your hand broke. You couldn't draw right, and you would mess up your drawings so it was hard to decaptchalouge things, but you still trekked on. 

Equius didn't understand why you stopped roleplaying for a while, and you didn't want to worry him by explaining why. You did your best to shrug him off. It was hard, especially when you video chatted for the first time, and you hand had to be out of frame for the entire time. He was pretty cool though, after a few attempts he even complimented your paintings and you said hello to his lusus when it came around with milk and towels, and you introduced him to Pounce as they came and sat directly on your lap-practically on the laptop keyboard. You both laughed, and your chest fluttered again and you called him your best friend and he said it back and you ended the call before your cheeks flushed, you were really going pale for him, hard and badly. You tapped your good hand against the tiny olive and blue symbols with a diamond in the center, and carried Pounce to your pile of pelts before heading to bed. 

The first time he tried to pap you, he was visiting after you were feeling a little sad from Karkat and Eridan and even Vriska making your day less than pleasant. Equius came to your hive though, he was careful to be sure he wasn't being followed, and he knocked on the makeshift door and he was careful not to hug you, but he was there. You two talked for a while, and when your tears started to bubble over Equius let out a deep rumble and he spoke quietly in his subvocal, that had you chirp back and calm down. For good measure, his hand reached out to pap across your brow line, when pain kicked in hard and you jerked back reflexively. It was aching, you could feel the pressure go up and why did he have to be so strong?! You just wanted a pap, you wanted him in your diamond, and right then he was standing up from the floor and excusing himself with a flurry of apologies. He practically ran out, worry and disgrace and shame in his murmuring and you could swear he was crying but it was hard to tell through your own tears. when you were sure he was gone your hands moved to pound the sides of your head. Of course you had to mess up, what if that was your only chance to get a moirail?! You were angry and betrayed by your own lowerblooded body, and upset and you get kept clawing and punching and smashing your fists against the wall, against yourself. Only the paintings and pounce were safe, until your whole body ached and your voice was sore and gritty from crying. 

He didn't message you for a while, but you were sure to pester him every day to let him know when your bruise eventually stopped swelling and you were back to normal. He messaged you again, and you were happier, because that meant he wasn't abandoning you! Which was also good, it would be pretty bad if you lost him before you could even tell him you were pale for him. 

When you did, it was during a video chat. He was quiet, working on a robot off to the side, and he had you singing and rumbling subvocals because he admitted he liked the way your voice sounded. You stopped, it was breaking into morning and you blinked a few times. He said something about getting to your recooperacoon, but you shook your head. "Am I just supposed to leave my meowrail all alone?" You closed your eyes though, and you heard him tense up and snap the piece of robot limb in his hands. Equius was flustered, loud and stammering out statements and facts and you just smiled as he gave a tiny 'fiddlesticks' when he saw the broken leg in his hand. You head lolled onto your shoulder, and you murmured to him. "Pale for you."

He spoke back, just as quiet but full of that thing that squeezed your heart like a citrus fruit juicer. "Pale for you too."

It was a long time before you were finally caught, apparently how you were handling your emotions wasn't right. You were visiting Equius' hive, a rare and special occasion that had you practically hooked on your meowrail's back like a rear carrying storage sack. He excused himself for a few minutes though, and you meandered to look at the robot standing to the side of the room, off and unplugged. Your curiosity got the better of you though, and you plugged the machine in. It came to life, jerking movements before stepping toward you. You stepped back, hissing and crouching before the machine swiped, to which you responded with a tacklepounce. Curse the machine's absurdly long cable, why didn't you notice that earlier? It must have been one of Equius' extreme sparring bots. You wrestled for a few short moments, and it was clear this robot was made by Equius for Equius, because it got you by the jacket and pinned you down, punching and punching and punching and even as you fought back you could only scrape off the sheet metal and cut wires that seemed to have no bearing on the bots strength. 

You were about to go full feral when the robot’s head went smashing off, colliding with the wall of the respiteblock. You looked up, Equius furious and petrified but more so ripping the robot back, tearing off the limbs and almost viciously dismembering it before running to beside you. His glasses were gone and he was pouring off sweat and he looked like he was about to burst into tears but you sat up and leaned against his shoulder. His hands hovered around your body and you were breathing hard and he was talking really really fast but you just were drowning in loathing. Why did you let yourself do that?! Curiosity killed the meowbeast, and here you are playing right into the hands of fate. You made a stupid decision and your fists were balled up and your vision was swimming just a bit and you moved to pound your fists against your temples, stupid stupid stupid stupidstupidstupidstupid- 

Equius' hand grabbed one of yours, and you looked up at him. His thick brows were knit together, mouth slightly open. 

"Nepeta?" His voice was breaking on your name, and you looked up at him, your olive dripping from your nose and mouth and just about everywhere it felt like. "You need to stop, you're already injured, why do you want to inflict more pain upon yourself?"

"Because I'm an idiot!" You babbled. "I need to let out my anger and my sadness and my emotions in the only way I know how-!"

"Stop it this instant Nepeta! This is NOT how you handle your feelings!" He pulled on your arm, not hard, but bringing you against chest. His arms pinned yours to your side, and it hurt just a little bit, but you let him hold you. You both needed it. "Listen to me, this is an order. You're not allowed to hurt yourself. Your emotions are not problems to be bottled up and brought out in fits of rage. Think of all the times we have spent in our piles, chatting away having feelings jams. I spoke to you about my displeasures and my sadness and my joys, it's never good to do-" His arms tightened around you briefly before he shook, and you felt him press his face against the top of your head. "It's never good to hurt yourself like that." You couldn't really reply, your body was beginning to settle in that dull ache of pain and your arms felt like they were bruising, and blegh blood in your mouth, and maybe a fang popped out but you nuzzled your head up against him. He was cool, like a big ice pack and as the wet splotches of tears landed on your head and scalp, you couldn’t help but let your own fall and soak his shirt. 

He cared, he cared and if it bothers him as much as it seemed, then this really isn’t the way to handle anything. 

Everything after that moment of the day blends together in your memory, a lot of talking and petting and hugs and you remember complaining because Equius wouldn't let you sleep until he was sure you were okay for real. But over time and days and perigees you’ve been better. It was hard at first, but with his support and (even though you don’t like them) the gloves he made that keep you from hurting yourself, you’ve dove more into painting and self expression instead of violence. Equius is sure to check in every day, and you return the favor. You listen to him as he talks, he listens to you, feeling jams may have lost the rarity, but they’re something to look forward to. Every jam is a landmark, a peak that once you pass you know the day will be easy and over. 

Equius calms you down, brightens your rainy days, chastises you for doing bad things, and keeps you from lashing out against someone or yourself. He’s the bests moirail you could ever have. Your name is Nepeta Leijon, and you need Equius to keep you together.


End file.
